An ideal Indian woman - ek Adarsh Bhartiya Nari

This post has originally been my comment on Indian Home Maker (IHM)'s blog. Her post was in reply to some sexist poem shared in an anti-muslim and anti-congress page on Facebook called Thalua club. The Facebook fan page appears as stupid as the name. Anyway, on IHM's request, I'm re-posting my comments there on her blog post as a separate post here. You can see the original poem as well as IHM's reply to it through the above links. On IHM's post, you can also see the English translation of the poem.


Here, the lines of the original poem are in slightly grey colour while my replies are in black. Please don't mind grammatical errors in Hindi as it's not my area of strength.

Ideal Indian woman (??)

सर पे सिंदूर का “फैशन” नहीं है,

सिन्दूर करने या नही करने से क्या फरक पडेगा… मुझे बताओ…

गले मे मंगलसूत्र का “टेंशन” नहीं है !

आदमी ने तो मंगलसुत्र कभी पह्ना ही नही हैं तो क्या आदमी कभी आदर्श था ही नही और हैं भी नही?

माथे पे बिंदी लगाना “आउटडेटेड” लगती है,

जिस आदमी को लगता हैं कि बिन्दी लगाना “कुल” हैं वोह खूद अपने सर पे बिन्दी लगा सकता हैं ना?

तरह तरह की लिपस्टिक अब होंठो पे सजती है !

लड़कियो/औरतो को खुद बिन्दी लगाना अगर अच्छा लगता हैं और जहाँ तक मेरा खयाल हैं तब तक लगभग सभी आदमियोंको भी ये अच्छा लगेगा कि उसकी बीवी या girlfriend लिपस्टिक लगाए. अगर तुम्हे खुद लिपस्टिक लगाना पसंद नही हैं तो तुम मत लगाओं… कभी कोइ लड़कीने ने तो कोइ कविता नही लिखी कि jeans आदमी पे सजता हैं या नही सजता हैं.

आँखों में काजल और मस्कारा लगाती हैं,

आँखों में काजल और मस्कारा तो छोटे बच्चे कोइ भी लगाते हैं. क्या वो सुन्दर नही लगते? और लड्की लगाए तो वोह आदर्श नही हैं… क्या बात हैं भाई… आदर्शत की आपकी व्याख्या भी क्या खुब हैं! लड़कियोको सुन्दर दिखने के लिए आन्खोंमे क्या लगाना चाहिए वोह भी आप ही बताओगे क्या? कभी कोइ लड्की या औरतने आपको ऐसा कहा की आप आँख पे चश्मा लगाओं या फिर गोगल्स लगाओं या ना लगाओं?

नकली पलकों से आँखो को खूब सजाती हैं !

उसकी पलके नकली हैं तो तुम अपने असली शरीर पे गर्व करो. और अच्छे कपड़े जो सचमे आपकी व्याख्या मे नकली चीज होनी चाहिए उसको छोडके फटे पूराने “असली” कपड़े पहेना करो.

मूख ऐसा रंग लेती हैं की दूर से चमकता है,

तो उससे आपके चेहरे की रोनक को तो कोइ नुक्सान नही हैं ना? आप बस इतना ख्याल रखो की रोज नहाओ और नाक और चेहरा ठीक से साफ किया करो… दुनिया पे बडा उपकार रहेगा.

पर्फ्यूम इतना तेज की मीलों से महकता है !

तो आपको क्या किसी का बास मारता शरीर ज्यादा आकर्षक लगता हैं? पर्फ्यूम कितना तेज होना चाहिए वोह भी आप ही बताओगे क्या?

जो नथ कभी नाक की शोभा बढाती थी,

आपको अभी भी लगता हैं क़ि नथ नाक की शोभा बढाती हैं तो आप उसे क्युं नही पहेनते?

आज होठ और जीभ पे लग नाक

ओके! आपको सिर्फ नाक मे गहना “कूल” लगता हैं… होठ और जीभ पे नही… आपको पसंद नही हैं तो मत लगाओं… आप औरो को या अपने आसपास क़ि औरतो को क्या लगाना चाहिए ये क्यु बताते हो?

बालों की “स्टाइल” जाने कैसी -
कैसी हो गयी,
वो बलखाती लंबी चोटी ना जाने
कहाँ खो गयी !

आप सर टकला रखते हो क्या? नही ना? आप अपनी हैर स्टाइल भी खुद ही चुने और दुसरोकी भी… आप अपनी बाल खुद की पसंद की हुइ “स्टाइल” मे रखना हैं और दुसरो की चोइस पर भी अंकुश करना हैं?

और परिधान तो ऐसे “डिज़ाइन” में आये हैं,

आप धोती-कुर्ता पहेनते हो क्या? आप खुद्के लिए खुदको अच्छा और आकर्षक दिखाने वाले कपड़े पहेनते हो ना?

कम से कम पहनना इन्हें खूब भाये है !

आप अपना सर, हाथ, पैर और पुरा शरीर ढक जाए ऐसे कपड़े पहेनते हो?

आज अंग प्रदर्शन
करना मजबूरी सी लगती है,

इसको पसंद बोलते हैं, मजबूरी नही. लड़के अपनी छाती और कसरत कीये हुए हाथ दिखाएं तो आपको ऐतराज़ नही होगा… सही ना? हाँ… लड़कियों को ऐसा नही करना चाहिए… लड़को के लिए सब सही हैं… ऐसा ना?

सोचती है इसी मे
इनकी खूबसूरती झलकती है !

आपके आसपास वाले ९९ प्रतिशत लड़के भी शायद यही सोचते हैं… कभी उससे पुछ्के देखिए…

पर आज भी जब कोई भारतीय परिधान
पहनती है,
सच बताऊं सभी की आँखे उस पे ही अटकत हैं !

मतलब आप लड़कियो को और औरतो को घूरते हैं? एक आदर्श पुरुष के नाते आपको उसपे आंखें अटकानी ही चाहिए… एक लड्की को सजने का हक नही हैं पर हर आदमी को उसपे आंखें अटकाने का हक हैं… कभी अपने आसपासकी लड़कियों से पुछा की आप जैसे पुरुषोकी नजर उसपे अटकती हैं तो उसे कैसा लगता हैं?

सादगी, भोलापन और शर्म ही भारतीय स्त्री की पहचान है,

और भारतीय पुरुषो की क्या पहचान हैं? आप भारतीय पुरुषो की पहचान सुधारने के लिए क्या कर रहे हैं?

मत त्यागो इन्हें यही हमारे देश का स्वाभिमान है !

हाँ! देश का स्वाभिमान लड़कियों को अंकुश मे रख्ने से और उसको बडे कपड़े पह्नाने मे ही हैं!

यदि अब भी हम सोच रहे है कि ये आने
वाली माताएं हमारी आने वाली पीढ़ी में
‘भगत सिंह या नेताजी’ पैदा करेंगी, तो हम
गलत सोच रहे हैं,

आप तो ज्योतिष भी लग रहे हो…

पश्चिम की नक़ल करते

करते हम पूरी तरह अंधे हो चुके है……

जरा अपनी कमरसे नीचे देखिए… आपने धोती नही पहेनी हैं… जो पहेना हैं वोह भी पश्चिम की नक़ल ही हैं…

जो अब लाइलाज बीमारी का रूप ले चुकी है……!!

बिमार तो वो पुरुष लगते हैं जो लड़कियो को संस्कृति के नाम पे अंकुश करने मे लगे हैं…

॥ ईश्वर इन्हे सद्बुद्धि दे ॥

और ये कविता लिखने वाले को भी!

जय हिन्द, जय भारत !!

आपने खुद देश के लिए क्या किया हैं? जय हिन्द, जय भारत बोलनेसे ही हम आदर्श हो जाते हैं क्या?

I don't know who wrote the original poem. It doesn't matter. The poem has got many Facebook 'like's too. I believe it would take decades, if not centuries, that such people become a minority among general male population.

Portrayal of women in Indian media

Movies, or for that matter media in general, are often said to be the reflection of the society. Or at least that's what majority of people in India consciously or unconsciously tend to believe. While it's arguable whether the media truly reflect the society or not, there's no doubt that media have a big sociocultural influence on the society.

The way women are shown in movies these days is hardly different than those before a decade or a few. Women have been shown to consider being an ideal homemaker as the goal of their life. Leaving few exceptions, movies of recent times have hardly shown an 'ideal woman' doing anything but being a housewife. Even in those movies where a woman is shown to have more decision power in hand than her husband, the wife is almost always portrayed in bad light. And at the end of the movie, she is slapped by her husband. Her husband also tells her, 'I should have slapped much earlier'. The woman realizes her 'mistakes', repents of the same and the movie ends when everyone appears to be happy.

Before a few days while watching such a scene from a movie, one of my roommates actually said, 'This is the reason why a woman should not be given power. She doesn't know how to use it.'

As far as showing women in advertisements is concerned, things seem to have only worsened over time. In most of the advertisements of recent times too, a woman is either washing clothes and utensils, cooking, serving food to family members or trying to make her husband feel better who's at that time reading a newspaper or suffering from cold. A woman does all this even when she's headache or backache. These advertisements arguably encourage sexism. They reinforce the old belief that a woman is supposed to forgo her own comfort and keep on doing household chores without getting tired.

The same has remained true for the soap operas of earlier times and of recent times. While in many of these soaps, a woman has more decision power than their male counterparts, it's very difficult to come across so many such families in real life. Moreover, those women who wear modern clothes and appear very confident more often than not have bad intentions than their conservative and not-so-modern counterparts.

I recently come across this: 'The media should refrain from portraying women as commodities and sex objects.' The media still portray women as objects showing whom in certain way can catch the attraction of people. It's very amusing to see a woman in advertisements for products like cement.

Media not only portray women as mere commodities, they often unintentionally stereotype women. And this can be very dangerous, I believe.


Note: This post has been reblogged on Bell Bajao, on BKhush and on YouthKiAwaaz.

Feminism and 'Seven steps in the sky'

Before I put my views on different thoughts of feminism from the novel 'Seven Steps in the Sky' in my future post(s), I have tried to post here some of the points that are the gist of the novel. As I've already mentioned in one of my previous posts, the book revolves around the married life of a woman and a few of her female friends and relatives. She was born in a middle class family in a town and was married in an upper-middle class family.

Despite the novel being set in a middle class family of a town in 1980s, the questions it poses are (unfortunately) still unanswered.


- Why is it always the daughter-in-law's duty to please all others around her? Why don't the in-laws often think that a little innocent girl has left everything - her home, the love of parents and brothers and sisters, friends she's known since childhood, the free laughter and games? And hence they should really look after her, take care of her hopes and dreams! A daughter is always told to win the hearts of her husband's family by love and service. Why doesn't anyone normally tell the husband, the mother-in-law, the sister-in-law, to make the new bride's life easier, happier?

Men always do what they please. A woman, especially a new bride, must forget her own wishes, and then gradually that becomes a habit.

- Why is the daughter-in-law often expected never to get tired? Do they think that once a woman becomes a daughter-in-law, she is an unlimited source of energy?

- Why do women get married? Girls study and wait for a proposal, and then get married. Right from the first breath, they are told that marriage is the ultimate aim of their lives. If that aim is not achieved, or not accomplished in good time, the girl becomes depressed, and her life loses its direction. Every effort is made to regain that direction; standards are dropped, and what was once barely an acceptable prospect becomes acceptable and it feels like an end to all the trouble. She agrees to observe every kind of traditional restriction. She must cover her head all the time, she cannot go out to work, there must be a certain amount of jewellery in the dowry. Every condition is accepted so as not to lose the chance of marriage. If it's lost, the daughters become a burden to the parents. Why? What do the women get out of marriage?

Love? A roof? Protection?

Women want love but what they get is mostly desire in the garb of love, not love itself.

Women want a roof. Does the house become theirs? If a man is angry, he says - 'Leave my house right now.' If he is pleased, he says - 'You brighten my house.' It is always the man's house. The woman only brightens it. This is all that is expected of her - to look after the man's house.

Women want protection. For that protection is a solid wall erected around them. The wall has no windows to look out at the sky.

- A husband's death is a terrible blow to the wife. But, often it appears that a husband isn't greatly inconvenienced by the loss of his wife. That is because women's lives and emotions are valued less. And that is proved by the fact that a man can remarry immediately after his wife's death. Men often remarry quickly, even before their wives' pyres are cold. It isn't often possible for a widow to remarry, even for the sake of her children.

- If a widow's only son dies, it is considered to be the height of tragedy, but if a widow's only daughter marries and goes away, that's a great relief. Isn't it strange?

- Most women who marry, forget their identity and live in submission to the unwritten code of their in-law's house. Their talents are developed only within permitted limits. Everything else is sacrificed to the goddess named 'peace'.

Women have had a low status for centuries. They have been victims of injustice and violence, their intelligence and talents made subsidiary to beauty and appearance; they have been made prisoners under the guise of protection, and to make them accept all this without rebelling, they have been given false ideals. They have been told that, to be epitomes of endurance and sacrifice is the realization of their womanhood, that not maintaining a separate identity but submerging it into their husband's is their ultimate goal.

- Why is it set that the daughter-in-law can go to her parents' home only at a certain time during pregnancy? Why is the permission from in-laws needed to go to parents' home especially in the the initial months of marriage?

- All their life, children carry their father's name with theirs. There is no mention of mother in the family tree. Her mind and body were worn out with the endless chores of bringing them up, but she will die leaving no name, dissolve without leaving any trace. Why? If there were only daughters to a father, there would be no branches from his name, as if he had no children, as if he had never become a father. Why?

- Men can do most kinds of work, can survive somehow. But women have some biological limitations, and to make up for this, they must develop their talents, otherwise they cannot realize their full potential. So, shouldn't women be at least as much educated as men, or better?

- Why can't a daughter look after her parents if she is earning? If a daughter really wants to care for her parents, she should stay unmarried because if she does marry, she often loses the right to be of service to them. That obligation belongs to the son. After marriage, a son can take care of his parents, and ask his wife to do the same.

The same holds true when someone wants to pursue something which requires a lot of dedication. If a woman wants to be in a field which requires a lot of dedication to work, she is supposed to stay unmarried as she might not otherwise do justice to her 'household duties'. But, if a man wants to pursue such a field, he would rather be advised to get married so that his wife takes care of the household duties and he can pursue his interests/job better.

- When a husband's relations, close or distant, come to visit, stay for a meal, they all should be offered enthusiastic hospitality by the wife. Not many of the wife's relations come visiting. The husband will pay attention to them only if it pleases him, but if he is not in the mood, he will ignore them. He and his mother aren't often too pleased if the wife shows too much affection for her kin.

- Kitchen - is the woman's world. Their unhappiness stays hidden in the dark corners of the kitchen. Nobody sees it; the other rooms in the house are lighted and airy, but the kitchen, where women spend most of their time, is small and gloomy. Occasionally, the lights have to be switched on even in the day. There is no place to sit. There are fans in other rooms but often not in the kitchen, which is hot.

- A woman may work outside as hard as her husband, but it is always she who serves him the meals. Why don't we ever see the reverse?

- There are no words like 'barren man' or 'deserted husband' in the dictionary unlike their feminine equivalents. Is it because the right to 'desert' is a man's right only?

- Does wearing or not wearing bangles and applying or not applying a bindi makes a woman a worse or a better person? Does a society or a culture survive through its external rules, customs and conducts, or by its morality? By mere mechanical manifestations, or loyalty to the truth, compassion and selfless love?


Added: This post has been selected by BlogAdda as one of the top posts for 'Tangy Tuesday Picks' on Jan 19, 2010
Added on March 8, 2010: This post has been republished on BKhush here.
Added on December 27, 2011: This post has been selected as one of the posts for Tejaswee Rao Blogging Award 2011 by Indian Homemaker (IHM) - one of the most respected bloggers in India.

An eve-teasing incident in front of me

I sent the narration of this incident to Blank Noise yesterday. This incident happened more than three years back while I was traveling in a public transport city bus in Navi Mumbai. And, I'm posting the same here now:


I took a bus from my residence in Sector 29 of Vashi. I was standing and a guy was standing beside me and there were two girls standing on the opposite side of the aisle. The guy was around 25-26 years at that time I guess. And I was 22. Then, after a few stops, that guy slowly went on the other side, right between the two girls even when there was a lot of space on this side. No one except me apparently noticed this.

Slowly, he tried to hold one of the pipes in the bus to 'support himself' where he actually was trying to touch the hand of one of the girls. But, the girl soon became aware of this and she removed her hand from there. After some time, that guy brought his hand down and started trying to 'inadvertently' touch the other girl on and around her thighs. The girl was unaware of this.

But, I told him loudly, 'Why do you stand there in the narrow space between two girls when there is enough space over this side and I've been seeing you for quite some time that you're trying to touch this girl on her hand and this girl on thigh.' The two girls and a few passengers around heard them and the guy started defending himself. He in fact argued, 'Is ladkiya kuch nahi bol rahi hain to tu kyu bol raha hain. Maine kuch nahi kiya'*. I replied that they even aren't aware of it. I kept on making him feel ashamed. Eventually, he got down at the next bus-stop.


Note 1: You can originally find it here on the Blank Noise Guy blog.

Note 2: *Translation: 'If the girl isn't saying a thing, why are you? I didn't do anything.'

Excerpts from the novel 'Seven steps in the sky'

The novel 'Seven steps in the sky' is the English translation of a Gujarati novel named 'Saat pagla aakashma' written by Kundanika Kapadia. It's one of my favourite novels. The novel revolves around the life of the protagonist of the novel Vasudha and a few of her friends and relatives. It talks about the stuff that a woman has to go through being a female in this male-dominated society. This novel has won the Sahitya Akademi award in 1985. It's a wonderful book which actually makes you think. Some things, habits, customs are so much a part of our daily life that we even forget that it's just a piece of injustice being done towards our beloved mother, sisters and wife. After reading it, I felt that I know and understand my mother, sisters, female friends and women in general a little better now.

Anyway, I'm not going to review this book any more (not at least) in this post. The followings are rather the excerpts from the novel. You may like to read them even if you're not a feminist since most of them are of general nature and not related to equality of rights for women or anything like that. (By the way, I still wonder why some people like to proclaim themselves 'anti-feminists'. Yes that's a term! Anyway, let's not digress more ;) )

One more thing: Though I haven't used quotation marks (except in a couple of cases), some of them are spoken by people while the others are just the author's and/or the protagonist's views. They are mainly (leaving a few exceptions) in the order in which they appear in the book. That's it. You can read them now:


The heart should be allowed to reveal itself without being questioned. When it begins to feel trust, it will open of its own accord.

I can't tell what somebody should do. All I can say is what I would do. If I was really sad, I would behave one way, if I wasn't, I'd behave differently. That's being honest - living according to one's own feelings.

... Inner honesty is a different thing. ...

... That all individuals have the right to live as they wish. Society should be organized in such a way that every woman can actualize her potential and enjoy life on an equal basis. No one should have to make sacrifices for others. One sister shouldn't have to forgo her happiness for the sake of another sister. Children shouldn't have to live up to the expectations for the peace of mind of their parents. ...

What kind of a man would you like?
Someone who would let me be whole. There is a song of Tagore which goes 'Come just as you are' ... 'Just as you are' isn't only a matter of kohl in the eyes or ruffled curls. It is about the wholeness of personality. ... I would like a man ... who would be a friend, not master, who would walk with me hand in hand.

You think I am a strong person, don't you? I say these things, but sometimes I feel weak. Some day, out of sheer exhaustion, I think I will say, all right then, just arrange the marriage. ...

It is a crime to ask serious questions. To think differently from the accepted beliefs of centuries, what has been done for generations, that's a crime.

'(Don't you have any) obligation to me as a friend (?)'

He wants me to cling to him day and night, doesn't want to give me any space. That's addiction, not love. ... To admire a woman's looks, or to praise her cooking is like saying, stay beautiful and keep cooking.

Between man and woman is a relationship possible which has all the lightness and freedom of the sky together with the firmness and permanence of the earth having the probability of limitless growth.

Because you are in love with someone, you are vulnerable, and give that person immense power to hurt you.

Everyone should be self-reliant for their basic needs.

Everyone should learn the basic skills they are going to need in life.

When there is trust, there are no conditions.

To say 'If you love me, you should do this or that', is like blackmail(ing).

As soon as you start doing something to show others, that's the beginning of hypocrisy.

(during a discussion about the need of having one's own kids, especially a son)
In the midst of millions of nebulae there is an eternally revolving cluster of stars. On its edge with a solar system with a planet populated by millions of people. Here in the great tide of time, lineages have been created and have perished. Even mighty dynasties have turned into dust. And a man wants to become immortal through his descendents - what vanity! In this universe, life continues in one form or another. What is the meaning of wanting a continuation of one's self?

(The sentences in the following paragraph are actually spoken by more than one person)
'We all need love' ... 'We need creativity' ... 'Together we can find a life in which we are not searching for elusive material things' ... 'We can create an environment where there is true love, which fulfils all the desires of the heart, which heals all the wounds - which does not become purposeless and mechanical, which always remains with us, and does not mind our mistakes, imperfections and faults.' ... 'Love puts a protective armour around us and gives us strength without making us dependent, makes our lives stable and yet full of newness ... '

... I believe that God, or perhaps nature, has created us for joy and love. We waste our lives in insignificant things like money and renown, and perhaps that is why we don't attain love; perhaps we shouldn't be looking for it in others, but should manifest it ourselves.

Even a love marriage may be a mistake. No one can guarantee that I will love this person all my life. Who can be so sure about one's self? Some adjustment is necessary in all relationships, but to 'tolerate' someone in this fashion implies doing your partner a favour, like saying 'You don't make me happy, but I am generous and so I put up with you.' I don't call that love. It's an outrage on yourself and the other person.

... what is called service and sacrifice is in fact fulfilment of joy when there is love behind it.

PS: You can find my another post based on this novel here where I've tried to jot down some of the important aspects the novel tries to draw attention to.